Wk5 – Walking Backwards
Category : Uncategorized
“Look at me mom!” My children are walking backwards, but not JUST backwards – they are walking backwards while balancing on a wall. The two of them try to make their faces as nonchalant as possible; after all, they are obviously so cool, it’s easy enough they don’t even look like they’re trying.
Except their eyes belie intense concentration. Their body walks smoothly, but slowly. They know they could trip, they know they might get hurt. Why would they endanger themselves?
To gain power.
Ultimately, what do we ever do, that doesn’t involve an increase in our power? Power comes in many formats: competency, currency, accomplishment, titles, knowledge, possessions, physical prowess, popularity, beauty, and many more.
Is it all vanity? What kind of power should I seek in my life? What can I do that I can happily say to my Father in Heaven, “Look what I can do!” I sometimes walk backwards.
I knew taking a marriage class so soon after substantial marital conflict would be difficult. I told my husband that I wanted to read the material together. He was willing, but not overly enthusiastic about the idea.
In the book “The Seven Principles of Making Marriage Work” John Gottman describes the conditions surrounding failing marriages. He describes the four final stages that he says signal the “death knell of a marriage.” They are: 1. The couple see their problems as severe, 2. Talking things over seems useless, 3. The couple lead parallel lives, and 4. Loneliness sets in. I read this to my husband and told him that I had experienced all four stages in 2018 and before.
Now, I am walking backwards through those stages.
The balancing act is challenging.
I fall a lot. It hurts.
He falls too.
Part of the assignment this week was to watch clips from a favorite movie of mine. Fireproof, by the Kendrick Brothers, is well made and speaks powerfully to me. As my husband and I watched the clips we made observations and had some discussion. In one clip the wife sees a giant bouquet of roses in the place where the computer had been before with a note testifying that the husband loved her more than the computer images he had been viewing. The lack of computer and the note implied that he was choosing her and leaving the former habits behind. The wife repaid the action with divorce papers. Classic example of a failed repair attempt.
Or was it?
In this story, though fictitious, if Caleb, the husband, had not begun his repair attempts as soon as he had, would it have been too late to win back Anna’s heart? Trust is built with time and consistency. A single event, even though it was sincere, was not enough to build the pattern of trust necessary for a completely repaired relationship. If viewed as a single event, sure it seemed to fail. But seen in the big picture, Caleb needed many repair attempts before Anna was willing to be vulnerable again. I shared that thought with my husband. I hope he hears that I want him to keep trying.
My husband and I are both walking backwards, precariously, through the hurt, the damage, the confusion, and the brokenness. Slowly and carefully, with great awareness for the danger of falling again, we call out to our Father in Heaven, “Can you see what I can do?” I hope for His approving smile on this effort to increase in righteous power.
References:
The Seven Principles for Making Marriage Work by John M. Gottman PhD.
Courageous by Kendrick Brothers
Comic art by Maniac World