Month: November 2019

Month: November 2019

In my favorite version of Lost in Space, (the old black and white version) they had a robot that cried out “Danger Will Robinson!” This warning was sounded before the danger was eminent, when there was still time to escape or do something about the problem. 

The term “red flag” is a warning for danger. At a beach there might be a red flag posted to prevent people from swimming in dangerous waters. We might also use the term “red flag” in conversation to imply a dangerous situation. Whether figurative or literal, the flag its self isn’t the source of danger, rather it signifies someone’s desire to make us aware of danger. 

There is danger in treating our covenants lightly. The marriage covenant is especially vulnerable because it so closely concerns our hearts and feelings, and it is the only covenant that concerns more than one person and the Lord. My mother taught me that a married woman is never to allow herself to be alone with a man not closely related to her. The red flags of danger to covenants could include feeling attraction either physically or emotionally to another man, wanting to spend time or seeking out conversation with another man, keeping any actions (other than a surprise for him!) secret from your husband, favoritism, fantasies, or wanting to dress up for anyone else’s benefit, other than yourself or your husband. Of course, what is good for the goose is good for the gander. If any of these early warning signs appear for wife or husband, swift action and courage in the face of death, spiritual death, are needed.

Cowardice is not attractive. The champions of courage in the Bible and the Book of Mormon stand firm with faith unmovable. Daniel took the lions den, his three friends were thrown in a furnace. Abinidi was also burned, but not rescued. Gideon in the Bible fought a battle far outnumbered, and Gideon in the Book of Mormon didn’t flinch against his attacker even when he was bowed down with age. These examples teach us that whether we win or die, our decision to be courageous against oppression should not falter. Does our Father in Heaven ever tell us to run from a fight? 

Joseph from Egypt ran.

In the case of sexual danger, running isn’t cowardice, it is courageous. You’ve surely seen the same scenario in movies and television, where the guy was accosted by a beauty and before he knew what was going on suddenly she was all over him, which of course set the wife/girlfriend/romantic interest, who happened along at that moment, into a fury. The story line will protest, “Oh but it wasn’t his fault! He was a hapless victim!” Yes, yes it was his fault. When this scenario comes up, a favorite comment in our house is “Danger Will Robinson!” Even my children can see that danger before it escalates. A wise man or woman will watch out for danger and avoid it like they would any other deadly accident.

In any battle, there will be times when the commanding officer orders the troops to retreat. Strategic retreat is not cowardice. In my marriage, I watch diligently for the red flags of danger and avoid even the appearance of evil, and take myself away from situations before the danger becomes imminent. As Dr Goddard said in his book Drawing Heaven into your Marriage, “Satan’s lies are extravagant- but empty… God’s promises are sure. When we, like Joseph, quietly honor our covenants- even making sacrifices and fighting temptation- God will reward us with blessings unfathomable…” 

Month: November 2019

In the last chapter of the book Drawing Heaven into Your Marriage, by Dr Goddard, the author retells the story from Luke chapter 7 in the Bible. Simon, a pharisee, invited Jesus to dinner with him. While at dinner a woman with a bad reputation came in uninvited and began to wash the Saviors feet with her tears, weeping for her many sins and undoubtedly hopeful for consolation and forgiveness.

Simon not only judged the woman as unworthy to be in their presence, he judged his guest for tolerating it. 

My husband is a recovering addict. Eighteen of our twenty years of marriage have been overshadowed with addict behaviors, lies, gas-lighting, along with other struggles that came because of his addiction such as financial burdens and social shame. Though he has been 2 years clean of his addiction, and though our relationship is better than it’s ever been before, though he is taking on adult responsibilities with a new vigor that I’ve never seen, I still find myself at a loss sometimes. 

I know what kind of things he’s done. I know how far my husband has fallen. It’s ugly. It’s painful. It isn’t  for worldly glory that I object to his touch at times, but it is with awareness for how filthy he has been. He’s making a change, and I love it! But how can he ever make up to me the lost years? How can he ever compensate me for standing by him as he took our family through this darkness?

I want to be like my Savior. As I read this week’s assignment I recognized that one way to be like the Him is to unconditionally love someone who can not repay you. Christ won’t stop loving me, He won’t even change how much or how well He loves me. Elder Ronald A Rasband said, “There is no choice, sin, or mistake that you or anyone else can make that will change His love for you or for them.” I’m so deeply grateful that my Savior doesn’t ask me to pay back what I owe Him, because I couldn’t. It’s beyond me like jumping to the moon with a trampoline is beyond me.

My husband isn’t able to change our history and he isn’t able to compensate me for the years of loss. As I reflect on what I’ve learned, I realize I don’t want him to anymore. It was part of my lesson and a dangerous path to self-realization for the both of us. Not everyone will be able to save their relationships from the ugliness of addiction. In fact, I recognize that my husband still has agency and may some day return to it. But it doesn’t hold me captive anymore. I can love without expectation better than I could before, and if that was the cost of being like my Messiah, then the cost was not too high.

As Christ said in Luke 7:42 “When they had nothing to pay, (I) frankly forgave them both.” I have nothing to pay, my husband has nothing to pay, no one can pay. That was the point of needing a Savior in the first place. Christ sought to understand the woman who wept on His feet, He also sought to understand the pharisee. I will continue to seek understanding rather than compensation from my husband and all those whom I love.

Art by Kelley McMorris

Month: November 2019

My son didn’t enjoy church yesterday. He is 12, almost the youngest in his class, and (how shall I put this?) not the most socially adept. He is experiencing an ongoing problem where the young men in his class have boisterous conversation, he tries to join in, but not in the best of ways, and they react poorly to his attempts. He feels the anguish of being left out and having less acceptance with his peers. Yesterday after church he brought his pain to me once again, as a child will. I’m glad he can bring me his pain. But what I gave him wasn’t what he wanted, at least at first. I listened, I reflected and validated his feelings, and then asked him what could be done. 

“Should we tell the bishop about them?” I asked.

“Well, no”

“Should we complain to your teacher?”

“No.” He began to get exasperated.

“Should I come to class with you and make sure the conversation goes well?” I asked with obvious humor.

“Oh yeah!” He said with humor back. “My mommy is going to make you be nice!” We laughed about imagining that. Then I stopped the rhetorical questions. I told him the repair was all up to him.

“Why do I have to fix it?” He wondered. “They are the ones doing wrong!” 

“But you and I don’t have any power to change them, you only have the power to change you.” Together we came up with new ways for him to behave to avoid conflict and negativity. We will see how it works out.

I don’t have the ability to change my spouse. Only he does. 

A marriage where each party gives a fair 50%, is a marriage doomed to failure. It’s been said that a husband and wife both need 100% dedication to a common cause in order to succeed. So what happens when the “other spouse” isn’t giving their all, or perhaps, is giving 100% of something we don’t like or don’t want? How can we meet in our marital middle while still giving our all?

In John Gottmans book The Seven Principles for Making Marriage Work, he says, “You will not be able to compromise successfully if you don’t accept your partner’s flaws and foibles. Instead, you will be on a relentless campaign to alter your spouse.” 

Perhaps the key to working it out is giving our all, and accepting what our spouse gives as their all, in their own way. Though there are circumstances, such as abuse or infidelity, that supersede this patient and forgiving mentality and may require separation or divorce, perhaps making this three way covenant between God and one of His children deserves more dedication than “Until discontent do us part.”

CS Lewis said, “There are no ordinary people. You have never talked to a mere mortal. Nations, cultures, arts, civilizations – these are mortal, and their life is to ours as the life of a gnat. But it is immortals whom we joke with, work with, marry, snub, and exploit…” Though we have a veil drawn over our memories and can not with our eyes see the resplendent nature of our spouses, if we can keep the perspective that our covenants are worth negotiating the toilet seat, the diaper duties, and the checkbook, then our inclination will be to consecrate ourselves to a marriage through its tumultuous days. 

As I counseled my son, so I do also. If there is a problem, I make my change for the better. If my spouse decides to do the same, however much and in whatever way for the better, then I’m happy to keep that change too.

Month: November 2019

Is this the hill you want to die on? Marriage is like a battlefield. Not because spouses fight, though sometimes they do, but because the unseen forces of evil want to destroy the strongholds of their enemy. 

One day at church the class discussion was about Adam and Eve. A question was put forth: Would you leave paradise for your spouse? Many comments issued forth and the conversation began to wax philosophic. Would you leave a good job for a spouse? Would you leave your parents for a spouse? Would you leave the town your grew up in? What about the church? A man piped up and with passion and conviction established that he would never leave the church for his spouse. He emphasized that he would chose the church over his spouse every time. His fervor pretty much put the conversation to an end. Less than a year later he and his wife divorced. 

Now I’ll tell you about my friend Mr Bauman. Mr Bauman was raised Lutheran, converted to Baptist, then converted to Mennonite. He married a Mennonite woman, and they have a beautiful family. Then one day Mr Bauman read the Book of Mormon. Big mistake! (sort of) In our ward we lovingly refer to him as Brother Bauman because we all know that he is convinced that the Book of Mormon is the Word of God and that our church is the church authorized by Jesus Christ. But his wife does not want to be shunned by her family. So instead of leaving his wife for a perceived paradise of faith, he chooses to stay a Mennonite and be with his Eve. 

In Stake Conference last year, our visiting general authority asked the adults in the adult session to consider whether it was more important to be happy or to be right.  So what if your point of view is correct and your spouse is dead wrong? What if your solution or your perspective actually was the way things really ought to be? Would you rather be right or happy? Pride fools us into thinking that somehow we are most often right.

Dr Goddard said in his book Drawing Heaven Into Your Marriage, “Each of us thinks we see the world directly, as it really is. If [others] don’t agree, it follows either that they have not yet been exposed to the relevant facts or else that they are blinded by their interests and ideologies .. . . Everyone is influenced by ideology and self-interest. Except for me. I see things as they are.” He goes on to affirm that, “The natural mind is an enemy to truth. Each one of us sees our own versions of “truth” and imagines that no one in the world sees truth as clearly as we do. This way of thinking is a pernicious enemy. It keeps each of us from connecting with others and from being taught by God.” 

The first brother I spoke about was a priesthood bearing member of the true Church of Christ, but I think Brother Bauman is a better example to me of humility. He doesn’t need to force his wife to see that he is right, he would rather be happy in his life with her. It is important to make the distinction between happiness and self-gratification. True happiness comes from living righteously. If I want to be happy in my own marriage, I will be more concerned with being happy than being right.

Month: November 2019

The saying goes, “What’s good for the goose is good for the gander.” Here are the geese down at my mother’s farm.

Being on a farm, observing the different temperaments of the animals, inspires in me introspection on the subject of relationships between males and females. The philosophies on the proper roles of men and women have great variety. There are tribal peoples that believe men and women should all live separately, and Christian sects that consider the highest righteousness to be celibacy. There are evolutionary beliefs that profess that rape culture is natural, and some extreme religions who subjugate or blame all women for the original sin and fall of man. For myself, I like the words of Elder Bednar who said, “The natures of male and female spirits complete and perfect each other, and therefore men and women are intended to progress together toward exaltation.” 

A popular relationship book from the 90’s was entitled Men are from Mars, Women are from Venus, by John Gray, PhD. In this book the author explains the differing communication modes and thinking styles of men and women, suggesting that men and women are radically different creatures.  But in a study by Lauer and Lauer in 1986, 351 couples, married 15 years or longer, were asked for the criteria of a great marriage. Without coordinating beforehand, the first four items on a list of most commonly picked reasons for having a great marriage for both men and women were 1. My spouse is my friend, 2. I like my spouse as a person, 3. Marriage is a long-term commitment, and 4. Marriage is sacred. After that the lists diverged in items or rank of importance for men and women. So perhaps men and women are not so different after all?

The two geese on my parents farm may look similar, but it’s not too hard to tell the male and female apart. The male is slightly larger, but more than that, their behavior is different. The male will position himself between the female and anyone too close for comfort. The male also is more likely to be bold and come closer to people out of curiosity. The female I more often see grooming the male or herself, and her curiosity leads her to inspect corners and underneath shelving. Why are they different? Is it just personality, or is there a deeper nature involved? 

Principle #7 in the book The Seven Principles for Making Marriage Work, by John Gottman, is to Create Shared Meaning in a marriage. How can two different creatures create a shared meaning in their lives? 

The geese are never apart. Though he watches the humans and she looks under shelves, they are never far from each other. Where one goes, the other follows. They forage, they swim, they sleep, they waddle to and fro. Though their behaviors differ at times, they have common goals that keep them together. 

So which is it? Are men and women basically different or basically the same?

I would say to both questions: YES.

Sister Linda K Burton said, “Seek to complete rather than compete.” The world philosophies of today emphasize enmity between the sexes. They demonize men and objectify women. But what is good for the goose is good for the gander. Creating common goals doesn’t need to diminish or demolish either party’s views or interests. Men and women can both totter around in life honking and investigating in our own ways and still have good friendships and a combined meaningful life.