Month: October 2019

Month: October 2019

I lived in a rural Alaskan village for a few years. The town didn’t have running water except at the one and only gas station. There was a community well from which we hauled our water in buckets for drinking and cleaning.

Oh how pungent the outhouses were in the summer and how delightful it was to sit on a pee-soaked seat at -50F in the winter! (I had brothers. They didn’t have good aim.) The only eligible men were regional bushmen who ate garlic in sufficient quantities to keep the mosquitoes off naturally and who slept with their dogs. (Think wet dog and garlic flavored man odor.)

Getting there was difficult too. The Taylor Highway is the only road in or out. It was entirely gravel and took four hours of driving in optimal conditions. 

It stank, it was rough, it was isolated, it was always cold and I could never quite feel clean no matter how well I used the sponge and bowl of water behind the curtain.

But it was beautiful. 

I wouldn’t trade the experience for anything. Though I hated being there, and was glad when my time there was over, the experiences I had while living there changed me, perhaps more than any other place that I lived.

My marriage is not unlike my stay in that Alaskan village. 

Some aspects stink. Being married to a porn addict could be compared to garlic and dog flavored man sweat or outhouses. It’s isolated. I have had few people to share my burden with. Porn addiction is not something I can share with just anyone. It will likely taint how people treat me and my husband forever after. There are times when no matter how I prayed, partook of the sacrament, studied or repented, I could not feel clean inside. I hated being in those years. Living  through that heartbreak has changed me, more than anything else in my life.

So I have this choice to make. Do I dwell on the stink, or the beauty? Do I pang for the years lost to isolation or take the wisdom gained and make something of it for the future?

I decided to look at the beauty. 

The village that sits on the Yukon River, near the mountains, and with such remarkable beauty of the place and even of it’s people is unique, even for Alaska. 

This man and I have so much in common. Our history together, our children, our common dreams and hopes. I don’t want to give that up.

I don’t want to go back; either to the small Alaskan village or to the days of darkness. But I find that who I am and especially who WE are becoming together is valuable. 

Dr Gottman says, “Getting to know your spouse better and sharing your inner self with you partner is an ongoing process. In fact, it’s a lifelong process.” Dr Gottman’s first principle for Making Marriage Work is to create a Love Map; a sense of knowing each other. My husband and I have history together which I think is creating points on our map. Not everything on the map is a scenic vale.  But the whole picture together is turning out beautiful. I’m glad I’ve made it this far on the adventurous road. 

Month: October 2019

“Look at me mom!” My children are walking backwards, but not JUST backwards – they are walking backwards while balancing on a wall. The two of them try to make their faces as nonchalant as possible; after all, they are obviously so cool, it’s easy enough they don’t even look like they’re trying.

Except their eyes belie intense concentration. Their body walks smoothly, but slowly. They know they could trip, they know they might get hurt. Why would they endanger themselves? 

To gain power.

Ultimately, what do we ever do, that doesn’t involve an increase in our power? Power comes in many formats: competency, currency, accomplishment, titles, knowledge, possessions, physical prowess, popularity, beauty, and many more.

Is it all vanity? What kind of power should I seek in my life? What can I do that I can happily say to my Father in Heaven, “Look what I can do!” I sometimes walk backwards.

I knew taking a marriage class so soon after substantial marital conflict would be difficult. I told my husband that I wanted to read the material together. He was willing, but not overly enthusiastic about the idea. 

In the book “The Seven Principles of Making Marriage Work” John Gottman describes the conditions surrounding failing marriages. He describes the four final stages that he says signal the “death knell of a marriage.” They are: 1. The couple see their problems as severe, 2. Talking things over seems useless, 3. The couple lead parallel lives, and 4. Loneliness sets in.  I read this to my husband and told him that I had experienced all four stages in 2018 and before. 

Now, I am walking backwards through those stages.

The balancing act is challenging. 

I fall a lot. It hurts. 

He falls too.

Part of the assignment this week was to watch clips from a favorite movie of mine. Fireproof, by the Kendrick Brothers, is well made and speaks powerfully to me. As my husband and I watched the clips we made observations and had some discussion. In one clip the wife sees a giant bouquet of roses in the place where the computer had been before with a note testifying that the husband loved her more than the computer images he had been viewing.  The lack of computer and the note implied that he was choosing her and leaving the former habits behind. The wife repaid the action with divorce papers. Classic example of a failed repair attempt.

Or was it?

In this story, though fictitious, if Caleb, the husband, had not begun his repair attempts as soon as he had, would it have been too late to win back Anna’s heart? Trust is built with time and consistency.  A single event, even though it was sincere, was not enough to build the pattern of trust necessary for a completely repaired relationship. If viewed as a single event, sure it seemed to fail. But seen in the big picture, Caleb needed many repair attempts before Anna was willing to be vulnerable again. I shared that thought with my husband. I hope he hears that I want him to keep trying.

My husband and I are both walking backwards, precariously, through the hurt, the damage, the confusion, and the brokenness. Slowly and carefully, with great awareness for the danger of falling again, we call out to our Father in Heaven, “Can you see what I can do?” I hope for His approving smile on this effort to increase in righteous power.

References:
The Seven Principles for Making Marriage Work by John M. Gottman PhD.
Courageous by Kendrick Brothers
Comic art by Maniac World

Month: October 2019

Before my alarm goes off at 630am, my monsters are awake and hungry.

Every so often I resolve to get up earlier so I can get ahead of the day. It lasts for perhaps two sunrises and then I sleep in. 

Monsters are everywhere.

Some of them are cute and cuddly. They ask if they can have quesadillas for breakfast, no matter how often I say no. They ask to watch a movie first thing in the morning, even though they know the answer is no. They ask if I will take them to the bounce house today, even though they know I will say no. They eat at my patience and test my fences like veloceraptors. Every day.

Some of the monsters are more competent. They don’t ask, they try to get away with things. Like quesadillas for breakfast when I’m not looking. Like watching movies in a room they don’t think I’ll be in. Like being on the phone with a girlfriend when they are supposed to be working. Like a criminal with a well-thought-out alibi, they think if they argue enough they will justify any action. 

My other monsters are more figurative and less literal. Like the monster in my head that rages when my husband’s school work is apparently more important than mine. (guess what I’m stewing about!) Like the monster that chews on my heart when I look in the mirror and don’t like what I see. Like the monster that I carry on my shoulders when I’m paying bills that can’t all be paid. 

Elder Bendar, in a talk entitled “Marriage is Essential to His Eternal Plan” spoke of feeding wolves. He reminded us of the truth that whichever “wolf” we choose to feed, will be the one who grows. Wolves are powerful and can be frightening. In Alaska, where I am from, they can grow as large as a small horse. Three of them can take down a moose. And a moose can take out a car. But their behavior is predictable. So I use the term monster, both endearingly and desperately. Also because it sounds more lighthearted (I think) than calling my children wolves.

I love my monsters. 

If I feed my monsters right, they become something beautiful. 

The figurative monsters can grow correctly too. That monster that focused on how thoughtless my spouse can be? I feed him by serving and forgiving. It hasn’t died yet, but it transforms into appreciation for what my husband does well.  That monster that doesn’t like what it sees in the mirror? I feed it humility. CS Lewis said that humility isn’t thinking less of yourself (depreciation) but rather thinking of yourself less (as in less often). I feed that monster less mirror time and more time on the things I love to do. It transforms into satisfaction with other aspects of life. How about that heavy monster that can bring panic about the pocketbook? Oof, that’s a hard one to chase away. It feeds and grows on fear. So I feed it faith. So far, no one has starved, no vehicle has been reclaimed, no house lost. Yes, many things are needful, but God knows these things. I find faith and cram it down the monsters throat and then do the best I can with what I have.

I came to earth to learn to fight monsters, to love monsters, to raise monsters. 

I came to learn to change the monster in me and in my relationships by feeding them right.

Art by Caitlin Connolly

Month: October 2019

Same-Sex Attraction: How Can We Find Common Ground?

When aliens are making first contact with the humans of earth, a common fictitious theme is that communication is brought down to a most basic element. One representation I saw utilized prime numbers. Another story suggested the foundational dialogue should begin with the elements on the periodic table. In each case, it was recognized by the authors that when two beings are very different, finding a commonality is the best hope for establishing real communication and eventually a trusting relationship.

Then of course, some aliens want to suck the earth dry or eat your brains and don’t care what your name is.

How do we find common ground with people who call evil good and good evil? How do we live peaceably with humans who don’t recognize one of the most basic units in the history of humankind? It’s almost like dealing with aliens. And, how do we know if they are friendly aliens or eat-your-face aliens? How should we respond when ulterior motives are exposed?

These questions might be a central theme for my choice to study psychology. I hope I find good answers as my education continues.

The first time I wanted to understand these “aliens,” I was 13. I was watching a science special about birth defects and learned about hermaphrodites. I felt deep compassion for a poor child born with uncertain genitalia, who’s doctor made the decision to surgically decide which gender the baby was without medical need. That poor little boy grew up named Susan, wearing dresses, and not knowing what was wrong with him. He was in his 30’s when he learned the truth of his birth, and had a surgical procedure done to reverse his gender, changed his name, married a woman and lived happily as a man the rest of his life.

Was this wrong? Hard question. I think when considering the definition of marriage and the rights of humans to choose their sexual partners, we have a micro problem and a macro problem.

First the micro problem. Being related to several people who have gone through same-sex attraction, I have some insight into their confusing world. The physical desire for connection is referred to with strong words like primal, imperative, instinct, need, and drive. While no living creature needs sexual intimacy to live, it might be said that human intimacy (of many sorts, not just sexual) is what makes living worthwhile. Years ago a lesbian woman, angry at me for spurning her advances, asked me with incredulity in her voice, “how can it be wrong to love someone?” As surely as a child wants a friend, and adult will want a partner. What happens when for whatever reason, an adult wants a partner who is of the same gender? How can it be wrong to “love” someone?

Clever question to misdirect, but the question isn’t about loving others, the question is about biological passions that belong to reproduction. What is being ignored is the long-term effects of changing the format of the basic unit of society. Is the temporary “love” of sexual relationships more important than the stability of the human family?

If a person developed an insatiable appetite for dirt, car grease, or couch cushions, it would be reasonably supposed that they had a problem. Perhaps their diet was seriously lacking in nutrition, perhaps it was psychosis; many brain dysfunctions are not yet understood. Yet some people develop pica, or a craving, for substances not meant to be eaten. Should the FDA respect those people and ask for couches to be sold with a list of ingredients and nutrition information? Yet this is very much like what was suggested in the article The Overhauling of Straight America by authors Kirk and Pill. With cunning and deceit they planned the corruption of the public. Manipulating rather than discussing, they crafted a many decades long plan to put the “couch cushions” of human relationships into the American “diet” of human connection.

The quest of sexual “equality” is often likened to civil rights for minorities and women. That is where we find the macro problem. But are these “champions” of sexual rights peacefully protesting, or are they infiltrating? If it was a scifi about aliens from another world, the underhanded tactics discussed in the above mentioned article would suggest a nefarious plot.

A part of the solution is the same solution that would have prevented the rampant out-of-wedlock childrearing of the past few decades. Celibacy IS an option! Healthy humans are social creatures. We need connection to live happily. But we don’t need sexual connection. It is the sexually obsessed culture that leads us to believe that consuming other humans sexually is the way to happiness. It’s just not so. Platonic connections are a viable option!

Is it easy? No.

To offer healthy, platonic connections with those who have a craving for “couch cushion” lifestyles is potentially to heal their brokenness.

To call same-sex attraction the dysfunction that is it, with love and understanding, and not disgust or condemnation, is probably the best thing we can do. It is not simply another taste, as Kirk and Pill would have us believe. Couch cushions are not food, same-sex attraction is not healthy or normal. Celibacy is always possible, in the teen years and in adulthood.

The “aliens” we live with are our brothers and sisters, and they want to be a part of the community. Let’s find common ground!

And protect our couches from being eaten.