Wk5 – Walking Backwards

“Look at me mom!” My children are walking backwards, but not JUST backwards – they are walking backwards while balancing on a wall. The two of them try to make their faces as nonchalant as possible; after all, they are obviously so cool, it’s easy enough they don’t even look like they’re trying.

Except their eyes belie intense concentration. Their body walks smoothly, but slowly. They know they could trip, they know they might get hurt. Why would they endanger themselves? 

To gain power.

Ultimately, what do we ever do, that doesn’t involve an increase in our power? Power comes in many formats: competency, currency, accomplishment, titles, knowledge, possessions, physical prowess, popularity, beauty, and many more.

Is it all vanity? What kind of power should I seek in my life? What can I do that I can happily say to my Father in Heaven, “Look what I can do!” I sometimes walk backwards.

I knew taking a marriage class so soon after substantial marital conflict would be difficult. I told my husband that I wanted to read the material together. He was willing, but not overly enthusiastic about the idea. 

In the book “The Seven Principles of Making Marriage Work” John Gottman describes the conditions surrounding failing marriages. He describes the four final stages that he says signal the “death knell of a marriage.” They are: 1. The couple see their problems as severe, 2. Talking things over seems useless, 3. The couple lead parallel lives, and 4. Loneliness sets in.  I read this to my husband and told him that I had experienced all four stages in 2018 and before. 

Now, I am walking backwards through those stages.

The balancing act is challenging. 

I fall a lot. It hurts. 

He falls too.

Part of the assignment this week was to watch clips from a favorite movie of mine. Fireproof, by the Kendrick Brothers, is well made and speaks powerfully to me. As my husband and I watched the clips we made observations and had some discussion. In one clip the wife sees a giant bouquet of roses in the place where the computer had been before with a note testifying that the husband loved her more than the computer images he had been viewing.  The lack of computer and the note implied that he was choosing her and leaving the former habits behind. The wife repaid the action with divorce papers. Classic example of a failed repair attempt.

Or was it?

In this story, though fictitious, if Caleb, the husband, had not begun his repair attempts as soon as he had, would it have been too late to win back Anna’s heart? Trust is built with time and consistency.  A single event, even though it was sincere, was not enough to build the pattern of trust necessary for a completely repaired relationship. If viewed as a single event, sure it seemed to fail. But seen in the big picture, Caleb needed many repair attempts before Anna was willing to be vulnerable again. I shared that thought with my husband. I hope he hears that I want him to keep trying.

My husband and I are both walking backwards, precariously, through the hurt, the damage, the confusion, and the brokenness. Slowly and carefully, with great awareness for the danger of falling again, we call out to our Father in Heaven, “Can you see what I can do?” I hope for His approving smile on this effort to increase in righteous power.

References:
The Seven Principles for Making Marriage Work by John M. Gottman PhD.
Courageous by Kendrick Brothers
Comic art by Maniac World

Wk4 – Feeding Monsters

Before my alarm goes off at 630am, my monsters are awake and hungry.

Every so often I resolve to get up earlier so I can get ahead of the day. It lasts for perhaps two sunrises and then I sleep in. 

Monsters are everywhere.

Some of them are cute and cuddly. They ask if they can have quesadillas for breakfast, no matter how often I say no. They ask to watch a movie first thing in the morning, even though they know the answer is no. They ask if I will take them to the bounce house today, even though they know I will say no. They eat at my patience and test my fences like veloceraptors. Every day.

Some of the monsters are more competent. They don’t ask, they try to get away with things. Like quesadillas for breakfast when I’m not looking. Like watching movies in a room they don’t think I’ll be in. Like being on the phone with a girlfriend when they are supposed to be working. Like a criminal with a well-thought-out alibi, they think if they argue enough they will justify any action. 

My other monsters are more figurative and less literal. Like the monster in my head that rages when my husband’s school work is apparently more important than mine. (guess what I’m stewing about!) Like the monster that chews on my heart when I look in the mirror and don’t like what I see. Like the monster that I carry on my shoulders when I’m paying bills that can’t all be paid. 

Elder Bendar, in a talk entitled “Marriage is Essential to His Eternal Plan” spoke of feeding wolves. He reminded us of the truth that whichever “wolf” we choose to feed, will be the one who grows. Wolves are powerful and can be frightening. In Alaska, where I am from, they can grow as large as a small horse. Three of them can take down a moose. And a moose can take out a car. But their behavior is predictable. So I use the term monster, both endearingly and desperately. Also because it sounds more lighthearted (I think) than calling my children wolves.

I love my monsters. 

If I feed my monsters right, they become something beautiful. 

The figurative monsters can grow correctly too. That monster that focused on how thoughtless my spouse can be? I feed him by serving and forgiving. It hasn’t died yet, but it transforms into appreciation for what my husband does well.  That monster that doesn’t like what it sees in the mirror? I feed it humility. CS Lewis said that humility isn’t thinking less of yourself (depreciation) but rather thinking of yourself less (as in less often). I feed that monster less mirror time and more time on the things I love to do. It transforms into satisfaction with other aspects of life. How about that heavy monster that can bring panic about the pocketbook? Oof, that’s a hard one to chase away. It feeds and grows on fear. So I feed it faith. So far, no one has starved, no vehicle has been reclaimed, no house lost. Yes, many things are needful, but God knows these things. I find faith and cram it down the monsters throat and then do the best I can with what I have.

I came to earth to learn to fight monsters, to love monsters, to raise monsters. 

I came to learn to change the monster in me and in my relationships by feeding them right.

Art by Caitlin Connolly

Wk3 – Finding Common Ground

Same-Sex Attraction: How Can We Find Common Ground?

When aliens are making first contact with the humans of earth, a common fictitious theme is that communication is brought down to a most basic element. One representation I saw utilized prime numbers. Another story suggested the foundational dialogue should begin with the elements on the periodic table. In each case, it was recognized by the authors that when two beings are very different, finding a commonality is the best hope for establishing real communication and eventually a trusting relationship.

Then of course, some aliens want to suck the earth dry or eat your brains and don’t care what your name is.

How do we find common ground with people who call evil good and good evil? How do we live peaceably with humans who don’t recognize one of the most basic units in the history of humankind? It’s almost like dealing with aliens. And, how do we know if they are friendly aliens or eat-your-face aliens? How should we respond when ulterior motives are exposed?

These questions might be a central theme for my choice to study psychology. I hope I find good answers as my education continues.

The first time I wanted to understand these “aliens,” I was 13. I was watching a science special about birth defects and learned about hermaphrodites. I felt deep compassion for a poor child born with uncertain genitalia, who’s doctor made the decision to surgically decide which gender the baby was without medical need. That poor little boy grew up named Susan, wearing dresses, and not knowing what was wrong with him. He was in his 30’s when he learned the truth of his birth, and had a surgical procedure done to reverse his gender, changed his name, married a woman and lived happily as a man the rest of his life.

Was this wrong? Hard question. I think when considering the definition of marriage and the rights of humans to choose their sexual partners, we have a micro problem and a macro problem.

First the micro problem. Being related to several people who have gone through same-sex attraction, I have some insight into their confusing world. The physical desire for connection is referred to with strong words like primal, imperative, instinct, need, and drive. While no living creature needs sexual intimacy to live, it might be said that human intimacy (of many sorts, not just sexual) is what makes living worthwhile. Years ago a lesbian woman, angry at me for spurning her advances, asked me with incredulity in her voice, “how can it be wrong to love someone?” As surely as a child wants a friend, and adult will want a partner. What happens when for whatever reason, an adult wants a partner who is of the same gender? How can it be wrong to “love” someone?

Clever question to misdirect, but the question isn’t about loving others, the question is about biological passions that belong to reproduction. What is being ignored is the long-term effects of changing the format of the basic unit of society. Is the temporary “love” of sexual relationships more important than the stability of the human family?

If a person developed an insatiable appetite for dirt, car grease, or couch cushions, it would be reasonably supposed that they had a problem. Perhaps their diet was seriously lacking in nutrition, perhaps it was psychosis; many brain dysfunctions are not yet understood. Yet some people develop pica, or a craving, for substances not meant to be eaten. Should the FDA respect those people and ask for couches to be sold with a list of ingredients and nutrition information? Yet this is very much like what was suggested in the article The Overhauling of Straight America by authors Kirk and Pill. With cunning and deceit they planned the corruption of the public. Manipulating rather than discussing, they crafted a many decades long plan to put the “couch cushions” of human relationships into the American “diet” of human connection.

The quest of sexual “equality” is often likened to civil rights for minorities and women. That is where we find the macro problem. But are these “champions” of sexual rights peacefully protesting, or are they infiltrating? If it was a scifi about aliens from another world, the underhanded tactics discussed in the above mentioned article would suggest a nefarious plot.

A part of the solution is the same solution that would have prevented the rampant out-of-wedlock childrearing of the past few decades. Celibacy IS an option! Healthy humans are social creatures. We need connection to live happily. But we don’t need sexual connection. It is the sexually obsessed culture that leads us to believe that consuming other humans sexually is the way to happiness. It’s just not so. Platonic connections are a viable option!

Is it easy? No.

To offer healthy, platonic connections with those who have a craving for “couch cushion” lifestyles is potentially to heal their brokenness.

To call same-sex attraction the dysfunction that is it, with love and understanding, and not disgust or condemnation, is probably the best thing we can do. It is not simply another taste, as Kirk and Pill would have us believe. Couch cushions are not food, same-sex attraction is not healthy or normal. Celibacy is always possible, in the teen years and in adulthood.

The “aliens” we live with are our brothers and sisters, and they want to be a part of the community. Let’s find common ground!

And protect our couches from being eaten.

Wk 2 – Thoughts on Divorce

I recall listening to Elder Oaks in General Conference years ago, when he lifted some of the consequences of divorce on the members of the church, citing the wickedness of the times. My husband and I commented on the sad state of our world that the Lord was making this change. Like the law of consecration being reduced to the law of tithing because the members are polluted by the world, I see it as a lesser law of marriage in a sense. And little wonder! Have we had a single year in the past many decades without prophetic instruction regarding pornography or spousal abuse? Divorce happens in most cases because people make it an option.

My first boyfriend was from El Salvador. His mother and father had been living separately for over 10 years. I don’t know why his mother wouldn’t accept his father, I never asked. But as a part of their culture, divorce just wasn’t an option. His father lived in Washington state, his mother was in California. I’m sure it was lonely for both of them. My boyfriend was sad too. He told me his father was trying to win back his mothers favor, but didn’t know if he could do it. I have often wondered how the rest of that story went. Elder Faust said, “just cause (to get a divorce) should be nothing less serious than a prolonged and apparently irredeemable relationship which is destructive of a person’s dignity as a human being.” Though I don’t know what went on between his parents, I could see during a visit that his parents were polite to each other, and treated each other with basic respect. Just as sex education doesn’t teach that abstinence is a viable option for prevention of teen pregnancy, our worldly philosophies don’t teach that living separate and celibate lives is a viable option for married couples as well. Of course it isn’t  ideal! But as Elder Faust indicated, the justification for divorce needs to be more serious than mere arguments and hurt feelings.

When we were engaged to be married, I mentioned to my husband-to-be that divorce was not an option for me. I wanted him to know that about me, and really, I wanted to know that he reciprocated the notion. I remember being a little dismayed when his response was more like “ok” like he didn’t know what I meant. Years later, when my husband and I went to marriage counseling, our therapist was surprised to hear that I would not divorce him for anything. I told him that I considered it impossible that my husband could do anything that would make me change my mind. That I would choose to live apart from him, still married and alone, rather than opt for divorce. We almost had to test it. I don’t say this to boast, rather to exemplify what I consider needs to be the resolve of all Christians (Latter-Day Saints in particular) if we are going to reverse the catastrophic trend in the destruction of our basic social unit. President Kimball prophesied that, “The time will come when only those who believe deeply and actively in the family will be able to preserve their families in the midst of the gathering evil around us.” This deep believe shouldn’t end because of what we feel like. We need commitment to action that professes our belief.

I would like to discuss the implications of this topic.

How would that belief in the family that President Kimabll spoke of manifest in our actions?  

What could President Faust mean when he speaks of human dignity? How does that look different than pride?

What would be the difference practically speaking between a marriage where human dignity is destroyed and when it is merely cantankerous? 

For it is better, if the will of God be so, that ye suffer for well doing, than for evil doing. (1Pet 3:17)

Nevertheless we have not used this power (in this case, the power to end a marriage); but suffer all things, lest we should hinder the gospel of Christ. (1Cor 9:12)

I know both how to be abased, and I know how to abound: every where and in all things I am instructed both to be full and to be hungry, both to abound and to suffer need.

I can do all things through Christ which strengtheneth me. (Phill 4:12-13)

My First Blog Entry

Isn’t my husband clever! For my Marriage 300 Class this semester I was required to start a blog to document the things I am learning and my own introspection’s on the many aspects of the marriage relationship. I asked him for help, he said he didn’t know anything about blog making, and before I knew it, VOILA! he had thrown this together on our family website. WOW!